


crush

by lesthowells



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2009, Light Angst, M/M, Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-11
Updated: 2018-07-11
Packaged: 2019-06-08 19:59:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15250917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lesthowells/pseuds/lesthowells
Summary: The silence drifts on and only now does it spike a rush of unbearable awkwardness. Dan wants to disconnect the call, make himself disappear, run out of the house, out of his own body.





	crush

It hurts more than he expects, like falling down stairs that never end, like hands around his throat- choking him. Dan had imagined this scenario over and over in his mind, deliberated for hours to expect it’s eventuality. He doesn’t understand why then it hurts so badly, like the whole world was falling in on him.

He feels stupid, anger directed at himself boiling under his skin, burning hot and scalding. He should never have made space for the hope, he can see now as clear as daybreak- that it was unimaginable.

The silence drifts on and only now does it spike a rush of unbearable awkwardness. Dan wants to disconnect the call, make himself disappear, run out of the house, out of his own body. Anything, anything to get away but he feels frozen in place, screams inaudible but deafening inside his head. 

“Do you not want me to visit you then?” The question comes out far more melancholic than he intended but Dan cannot find it in him to care. What was the point in hiding it, he knew is childish hopefulness and misery were evident. 

Phil will see him for exactly what he is, a teenager with a silly crush, one that has consumed him and that he does not know how to live without. He hates the selfishness of every thought, knows that Phil deserves better than him. 

“Of course I do, I want to meet you Dan.” Phil's voice carries every bit of recognisable genuineness yet Dan does not feel reconciled. It's himself that has ruined this, let idle dreams carry him far away from who is really is, what he really is. 

“Why, why do you even talk to me?” He knows it’s stupid, that he should stop talking but he feels as though his insides are crushing inward, it’s hard to draw breath, his brain spiralling. It's past midnight, he hasn't slept in days. 

To his credit, Phil’s reply is instantaneous. “Because I like talking to you, it’s the best part of my day. I want to meet you in person, I mean it.”

Dan shakes his head. “You’ll be disappointed, there’s nothing to like about me.” 

The words are well versed, a play back going over and over inside his head but saying them out loud is a new habit. A part of Dan wants Phil to say no, to break him completely. He’d get over it eventually, the heartbreak will remain he is sure but he'll learn to live with it.

Except he really doesn’t want that at all, the complete, equivocal opposite. He wants Phil to like him back more than he’s ever wanted anything else. Even if it felt impossible, it didn’t stop him wanting.  

“I do like you, so much I’m just..scared” Phil’s voice is shaky, when Dan finally finds the courage to look at his screen again he meets Phil eyes immediately. He cannot read his expression fully but recognises the nervousness there. It makes him wish he could reach through the screen, transcend space and the laws of physics. He's stuck where is, trapped in this room and in is own mind.

“I am too.” Dan swallows back some of the anguish that wants to burst out of him. Maybe he's too good at hiding it, masking the emotions that threaten to tear him down. But surely Phil knew, there were things Dan didn't hide, the affection was written in every line, carried in every word, painted across his entire body. 

There is a pull at the strings inside his chest, tied around his heart. The merest flicker of something he dares not to call hope but it makes him doubt, forces him to ask.

"Can’t we be scared together?” The words fall slowly, his own voice unrecognisable, stomach turning somersaults. The silence seems to last forever before Phil smiles, a shine returning to his eyes.

“Okay.” There's a shyness to Phil's voice that doesn't quite fit, like it shouldn't belong there and normally it doesn't. Dan knows he’s too far gone, uncertainty lingers a grey cloud threatening rain but he smiles back, his heart lifting just slightly. 

Dan smiles back at him because it's so easy, he doesn't know where they are if they are anywhere but it's enough for now. 

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading, 
> 
> you can find me @lesthowells on [tumblr](http://lesthowells.tumblr.com/)


End file.
